April 21, 2014
Follow your heart,
till it’s easy, till it’s open.
Long enough to feel a little bit broken. Till
Heaven has spoken.
Those are the words falling out of my speakers and into my
heart as I begin to finally write … These words are the anthem resounding as I
spill what’s been inside for the past few weeks. I’ve started this and stopped…started and
stopped. But today is the day to begin and
I am certain of a few
things right now.
I am certain that I was created by the greatest,
unrestrained, perfect Being who is the very definition of love, while
simultaneously being unbound by our finite definitions.
I am certain that marriage is the greatest mystery and the
most beautiful manifestation of Jesus in my life. Marrying Thomas was a great move.
I am certain that intimacy, transparency, and authenticity
are my favorite words that end with “y”.
Oh, equanimity too!
I am certain that I am called to serve, to write, and to
I am certain that we are all in this together, you matter,
and I love you.
Here is an excerpt from the first time I started and
March 31: I am writing this at a coffee shop on
Broughton Street in Savannah on what seems to be the most promising spring
day. Our new friend, Peter, told me this
is the perfect two weeks of the year here.
Pink and white flowers are littering the parks, and while the sun has
returned, the heavy hug of summer isn’t smothering everyone…yet. I’m certain I’m here today for a reason. I’m certain this promising spring day is the
perfect portrait of the way God has been telling me He loves me over the past
It is springtime in my heart. I borrowed this pen; I bought this small
journal at the Goodwill two doors down for 52 cents. I’m drinking chamomile tea. And seriously, what is it about ordering
chamomile tea that makes me feel so incredibly academic and so incredibly
cliché? There is a sign across from me
on a wonderfully chaotic collage that is telling me to “Mend and Make Do”. There are times when that sentiment has
resonated in my spirit, but now it is boldly told, “No”. As easily as I can recall the winter, I can
feel the chill in “making do”… But springtime brings hope! Rebirth is the chorus of this day…of these
days. And rebirth wants nothing to do
with making do.
Rebirth recently for me has caused a fairly intense shift in
my way of thinking. Rebirth has freed
me. I’ve been married almost a year and
my heart has been opened in ways I never imagined. But there has also been tangible,
gut-wrenching struggle. Not only are we
both artists, we’re both seeking to honor God with our art and love people with
our lives… and trying to have a vision for our work and carry that vision
out. On top of that, our craft is our
income. Now, throw in equal parts pride
and insecurity, uncertainty and faithfulness, sheer determination and
exhaustion, dirty dishes and rotten tomatoes, gas station bathrooms and hotel
showers… this is a glimpse at life as the Wynn’s. I should say, this “WAS” a glimpse at life as
the Wynn’s (I just washed the dishes and cleaned out the fruit basket). I’ll write soon about the intricacies of
this, but right now I want to say that rebirth has given me a wonderful shift
in my priorities.
I am writing this to say that I’m going to be writing
(that’s a ridiculous sentence, but how else was I supposed to say it). I’m going to be blogging again. I am certain that I need to be writing more…
I’ve been writing only in song form for the past couple years, and while
songwriting will always be a major part of my life, I have felt the pull to
write in other ways. And honestly, I
don’t really want to, because writing is hard.
And tiring. And I always feel a
little awkward spilling my guts like this.
I mean, blogging kinda feels like you’re having a conversation with
yourself… I’m that girl at the party pretending to be on her phone in the
corner while guzzling wine. It’s not
like I wake up in the morning and think, “Oh wow, THAT would be an awesome blog
post”, I just think that for some reason writing the thoughts of my heart has
been on my mind repeatedly lately…and from my experience, that’s God whispering
that I should.
I have been longing for connection and better communication
with my friends, my family, and the people who love my music. I don’t want to just be a musician. And I am not just a musician. I’m a woman longing to figure out who God is
and learning to love people, trying to put her husband first, who writes songs
and plays them for money or food or just because they make her and/or you
happy. I’m not going to stop playing
songs, but I am going to take a break from the monotonous thinking that I
constantly have to be putting out a product to be successful. That’s just incorrect. I’m going to take time to write, to listen,
to serve, to write some more, to travel
with Thomas and work hard for The Believers, to write, to make strange sounds
in Garage Band while sitting on a bus on my way to who knows where, to learn
new instruments, etc. And then when I
hear the whisper that the time is right, I’m going to record more music and
travel around playing it. Hopefully,
with at least Thomas in tow. Maybe with
a slew of musician friends too.
Some of you may remember that I started this blogging venture
before when I first moved to New Orleans… Looking back, I’m a bit glad that I
stopped, and a bit apprehensive to start again.
Here’s why. I’m flat out scared. I’m growing.
I get it wrong a lot. I got a lot
wrong when I was in Louisiana. I’m quite
glad I didn’t lay those thoughts then out on paper to live forever in
Google-land. But I also look back and
see beauty, and glory, and love, and the best kind of heartache… The kind of
heartache where you finally throw your hands in the air and admit that you need
guidance…and you stop being so self-centered.
The kind of heartache where you finally tell Jesus you’re sorry….you’re
really sorry… And then He completely sets you free, and tells you to start
dreaming with Him, and try again… the kind where you also head home and marry
the man who’s done the same kind of struggling, and wants to choose God over it
all with you.
I really loved being
a New Orleanian, and I really love that part of my story took place in the
greatest, strangest southern gem of a city.
When New Orleans interrupts my day somehow, whether through posts from
friends there or things written about bands traveling through or whatever, I
still feel a sense of home about the place.
A lot of people feel the same, and I know this because when I first
moved I was told over and over again that New Orleans gets inside of you. Here’s what’s interesting for me… I’m most
definitely one of the people that felt the shift when I first moved into
Mid-City. I literally felt strangely at
home immediately. I loved it. And then I went on to live through the most
awkward phase of my life. I had great
moments and terrible moments. I had
great friendships and debilitating relationships. I wanted so badly to get that balance right
of work and play… and I almost did, but I was so awkward. I wanted to be a musician, but I didn’t feel
like I measured up and I certainly didn’t put the work in. I wanted to write, but all I ever did was
talk about it. I was lost and at home
and found and lost and unsure and insecure… and I know now it’s because my
spirit wasn’t at rest. I experienced a
great sense of community and resilience.
I felt God speak to me through enlightened music and art. And I also lived without bounds. Living without boundaries sounds intriguing…so
I tried it. But I didn’t live in real
freedom. I lived in the moment and
chased happiness around, while happiness was fleeting because my spirit wasn’t
at rest. I had really beautiful moments
in New Orleans because it is a beautiful place, but I also experienced true
darkness… I can’t say it enough… my spirit wasn’t at rest.
I think people feel the way they do about New Orleans
because she will truly let you be who you want to be. That can be so freeing; New Orleans got
inside of me because while I was there I intensely felt God… He’s richly
present. But He was there asking,
“Choose Me” and I chose me. I know He
would’ve given me rest there, and started dreaming with me there, had I chosen
to let Him teach me how to love without condition; had I let Him teach me how
to really love myself. When I did choose
Him, it was with my favorite friend by my side… and I finally learned that He
truly does make all things work together for my good. So maybe I should’ve blogged the whole time,
and documented the honesty and growth…but I didn’t. The unrest lead to doubt, and I doubted that
I should write. I don’t doubt
If you read my last blog a couple years ago, you’ll remember
that I called it a “Dia-blog” because I want this to be a conversation. I want you to write back, to wrestle new
ideas with me. We’re all in this
together, remember? I feel like I’m all
over the place (both physically and with this writing…it will get better). Soon I’ll be traveling a lot more with Thomas
and I need this blog. I know I do. Cause see, here’s the thing. I long for community in my life. I long for deep, ever-changing relationships
with the people in my life. I long for
acceptance and freedom. I really and
truly long to be like Jesus. I long to
love people without trying to make the best of them, because I think
unconditionally loving someone WILL make the best of them. My trying only gets in the way and inflates
my dirty, nasty, rotten pride. I long
for these things and I spend a lot of time in the car, in different
cities. The blog will help me, help us
stay in touch.
Here are more certainties that are becoming clearer by the
I am certain that serving the homeless population is a new
part of my journey. More on that later.
I am certain that practicing a craft outside of music… a
craft with my hands that yields a physical product will help me stop lying to
myself…you know the lie. The one where
you tell yourself you won’t be any good at something. More on that later. Ok, more right now. I’m going to be practicing two crafts
really. This one, this writing one. And another one. The other involves cowhide. Intrigued?
I am certain that I am in a waiting period of my life… and
the smoke has cleared… I love the waiting.
More on that later, but here’s a snippet of a Dave Anderson quote that
nails it. “Becoming more precedes doing
more. The becoming must happen first and
includes increasing in maturity, discipline, humility, knowledge, competence,
righteousness, and focus. To do more
than you’ve done, and to get more than you’ve got, you must first become more
than you are….. A life marked by depth and steeped in preparation can only be
cultivated in protracted periods of feeling like you’re in no man’s land and
getting nowhere fast. Cherish these times…”
Ok, I know I said a “snippet”, but the page of the book that I stole this from (How
to Run Your Business by The Book) is full of wisdom. Really though, more on that later.
I am following my heart…it feels easy, I am open. I am a little broken, but Heaven is speaking.